There was a point somewhere around 1988 that many of us were convinced that Sandra Bernhard was going to rule the world some day. She was clearly smarter than her then best-friend-slash-lover Madonna, she had better one-liners than her, wore edgier fashion, and her art was obviously of a higher intellectual value.

Fast-forward 20 years and things didn't work out as expected. Sandy is now flogging Permalean Protein Bars and Powder, and tacky/tragic VIP meet'n'greets on her website, and her promotional tour of the UK takes in a couple of dates in London, but also those well-known centres of avant garde performance art: Huddersfield, Worthing, Kings Lynn and Croydon. Still, she doesn't seem fazed.

Perhaps it's her faith in Kabbalah that keeps her going, or her work ethic, or her relentless sarcasm, diva-style demands and mean mouth. Whatever, the celebrity stratosphere's loss is RainbowNetwork's gain, we can cope with vile has-beens, and Ms Bernhard has just graced us with a bunch of snarky little answers to our polite questions - we didn't even mention Madge! Here they are:

What's your favourite part of your new show?
Sucking my guitar player's cock.

What is it that makes your work art?
My wonderful rendering of clowns that I have been doing for the past 20 years - in oils.

You've known some incredibly famous people, and played an obsessive fan in a film, what is it about celebrity that is so compelling to the world?
At this point it's what used to be compelling. It isn't anymore because the lines have  been blurred by mediocrity.

What are you hoping to find in Huddersfield?
A really cute Burberry trench coat on sale.

Who are your favourite lesbians?
I wish my favorite lesbians were Catherine Denuve, Kate Moss, Charlotte Rambling(sic) and Julie Christie.

What else would you like to say?
That people talk too much and say too little and that sums it up for now.