Arriving
I get excited when I see vertical scrolling hiragana dot matrix signs as we step off the plane. The first thing I buy is a phonecard from a vending machine with a picture of Hello Kitty on it. The first thing that makes my jaw drop is the sight of three uniformed attendants bowing deeply and sincerely at the airport minibus they have just dispatched.

We take the bus into town. The sun is shining and everything looks fantastic. We drive past rice fields, poles with Children’s Day carp flying from them, cranes flying and standing in the paddies. Blocks of flats with futons clipped to the balconies to air, sprawl, the gates of Tokyo Disneyland, traffic jams and docks. I see cars that look like Lego bricks zoom past pink azalea hedges and trees, more canals than I expected, manga-style trucks. Though jetlagged out of my brain, I feel glad to be alive.

Politeness
There are polite people employed to be helpers at the airport and at some train stations. They direct you to this place or that place. They wear uniforms with white cotton gloves. They nod and smile and bow. It’s hard to know if a reciprocal bow is required, so I bow anyway, but it’s a crappy, westerner’s bow, a bow that probably says Fuck You, I’m A Buffoon.

Roppongi
We stay in a hotel that, had we been transported back in time to 1984, would boast all the latest design features. It’s a crazy piece of architecture, with a weird-shaped pool at its heart. We are excited by the yukata (dressing gown/kimono thing) and slippers in our room, and the toilet seat that sprays and heats automatically, and makes fart-disguising flushing sounds. Best of all is the music knob, which chucks out soothing and strangely familiar muzak.

Roppongi is a pleasing word to say, but the area is a sleazy hellhole, full of nasty hostess bars and dodgy-looking whiteys. There’s a massive and confusing shopping centre up the hill, which neither improves nor worsens the neighbourhood.

Television
It doesn’t take long for us to become square-eyed in front of various Japanese televisions. We watch: detective shows, thrillers, game shows, the news, cartoons, children’s shows, anything that’s on, really. On Children’s Day we watch a kid’s concert that’s being broadcast on TV, it’s like a kid’s supergroup show in a stadium full of really young children. The show involves perky youths in primary coloured jumpsuits leaping around and singing songs. Their outfits are appliquéd with the words: Jump! And Fun! It’s a forewarning of our trip to Sanrio Puroland, later in the week.

Tokyu Hands
The best shop in the world. I become so obsessed with this shop that I scour the city streets from the Shinkansen to see if there is a branch in the various places we visit. Tokyu Hands sells everything you could possibly ever want, and that is no understatement. I find a dental-floss holding implement that I had been trying to get for months, insanely cute stickers, tabi socks and yet more stationery. The party outfits departments is to die for, as are the mobile phone and iPod accessories. I have to take away the tatami and pillow department in my mind, the same goes for the massage and reflexology goods, not to mention the creepy/weird beauty products and the things made out of bamboo. Oh my, there is so much in this shop that I want.

Cosplay
One day, whilst walking around the Tokyo Dome area, we come across some people dressed as Gundam. You can go and have your picture taken with them, so we do. As we walk away, we notice that there are a lot of people wearing really weird clothes. It’s more than just the odd gothic lolita, it’s wave after wave of people wearing really crazy outfits. Later we discover that there’s a name for this, and it is cosplay.

Sarin
We ride the underground everywhere and each time I try to imagine what it was like on the day of the sarin attacks. Having read Underground, I have a firm mental image in my mind of the cellophane packets full of liquefied gas that the Aum people pierced. It’s hard to imagine what happened.

Shopping
Just like everybody else, we shop and we shop like crazy. I buy more cute stationery than I will ever need, I just can’t stop. We window shop dog boutiques, eyeballing doggy outfits and gourmet snacks, horrified at sexy dog lingerie and the sad looking pups that endure this attention. And when the money runs out I wander around the magnificent food halls in Tokyo’s venerable department stores, staring at perfect cakes in boxes, beautiful displays of fruit and vegetables, exotic seafood, bakeries, ice cream, all is gorgeous. Our holiday becomes an exercise in pawing the goods, staring at stuff, counting our notes.

Tokyo weirdness
On the street you can clean your specs in a spectacle washing machine. It really works. b) In the evening you can go and visit a Pet Bar, a place where they have cute animals for you to pat and stroke. c) There is a statue of Godzilla hidden away behind the department stores in Ginza. It’s small, but very good. d) Tokyo streets have smoking areas with excellent civic pride anti-smoking signs.

Gardens
We visit some wonderful gardens whilst we are in Japan. One of my favourites is Koishikawa-Korakuen is a 16th century garden that features a strolling path, a lake, tortoises, giant carp, and ornamental architecture. It’s also popular with amateur photographers, that is, men with huge lenses on their fancy cameras, who jockey for tripod position for the best spot. Overlooking the garden are skyscrapers and the tip of a vertiginous rollercoaster, complete with faraway screaming riders.

Shrines
Shrines are supposed to be oases of calm in a country that operates at speed. This is true of the smaller ones, but the big, famous, popular shrines are usually heaving with people. They offer very good shopping opportunities, nuns sell you lucky charms and votives, or moralistic readings chosen by the Meiji empress, or they help you shake a box of sticks for your fortune. In golden week we visit the Meiji Jingu in Tokyo and see a series of wedding processions, one after the other. The parties process across the main square, they pose for pictures, the bride is primped by a group of bride primpers, and then they move along for the next couple. We see a stack of votives tied underneath a tree, one says in English: “I wish that all the animals in the world were safe.”

Lost In Translation Is Very Wrong
I used to like this film, but every time I think of it I feel irritated by how wrongly it represents Japanese culture. The central characters and their cute racism makes me want to vomit. Japanese people are not exotic and strange, they are just people. There is no problem in pronouncing the letter R, though L is tricky and V and B are often interchangeable. Sofia Coppola can fuck off!

Though some clichés are sort of true
Shall we count them? There's a lot of smiling and nodding; some teenagers wear really nutso fashion; it’s quite expensive; city streets can get very busy; you see a lot of very cute things; gender roles at work are very strict compared to the UK; there’s a lot of urban sprawl and a lot of neon; cab doors open automatically; people sing karaoke and play pachinko – a lot; there are vending machines everywhere; restaurants often feature plastic display food; schoolgirls wear short skirts; love hotels are real; add your own _______. But remember that Japan and Tokyo are probably not as weird as you've come to imagine, Japanese people are like anybody else, and clichés are only clichés.

Here's a film about being in Tokyo (sorry, it's a very hefty .mov of 23.4mb - yikes!)

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