In Detroit, in America, the food is plentiful and dumb. Here's what we saw, here are some of the things that we ate. A top ten of stoopidity.

Big Boy
Menu items that sound like drag queen names: Swiss Miss, Patty Melt. Drag kings might like to consider: Brawny Lad. There is a tub of sweet green jelly in the salad bar. Jelly is a salad, yes.

Cheese on a stick
This is served at the food on a stick concession at the mall. It's all deep-fried. Devra treats us to a fake meat bonanza. You can get anything in America, even vegetarian corn dogs.

Booze hound
Don't buy beer in at the Model T Ford Plaza supermarket during daylight hours if you are a woman. The cashier will pull a disapproving face at you, she will not be charmed by your English accent and idiot ways. Beer is not allowed.

Chemically moist
Enjoy the continental breakfast supplied by your cheap motel. It will most likely consist of plastic-wrapped "chemically moist" pastries, some violent radioactive fake orange juice, and strong black coffee.

Somewhere there's a factory that makes these
Fancy something savoury? Try the giant, individually-wrapped pickles on sale in a liquor store near you. They have their own brine. No ID needed.

Grapple
Try something different. The frankenfruit du jour is the grapple, half grape, half apple. Actually, it's an apple that's been steeped in artificial grape flavour. It stinks. It's weird.

Eat me
Vegetarian taco meat is popular at the health food store, as is vitamin water.

Clique
There are signed napkins on the wall at Clique restaurant. One is from Casual Cal, ringmaster at the Universal Circus. Another reads: "What's up my CLIQUE fam? I (heart) all of you cuz you keep a hungry girl full."



Eat this
We pass a bin full of discarded "restaurant grease" in a car park. We edge up to it, we want to look because we have no idea how disgusting it could be. The walls are caked in lard droplets, but the bin itself is waist deep in brown and orangey sludge, with pools of translucent oil floating on the top. It is hellish and the sight of it forces you to imagine drinking it down in a big greasy gulp on a burning hot day.